My 3D life in 2D.

there is no sink or swim
with a skipping stone heart
and a concrete block head

The amount of time I spend thinking of you is disproportionate to your worth in my life.

Fin.

with Ryan Bingham.

Mescalito has become my white noise.

Also, am I the only one having problems uploading pics on here?!

I'm in love with this place. I'm sad to leave for xmas. I didn't think I'd ever feel that.

I also have a crush...nothing is black and white- its all grey.


I'm sorry I don't have more to write. Nothing has come to me. I'm sure you know how it is.

there was a time when eveything was aligned. But its all cyclical, and I'm back to the beginning.


For one- Ryan Bingham.

Also:
Being home
Pretending to not notice
needing a job
loving/hating the uncertainty of the future
dreaming about travel

Is this what starting over really is?

give me a sign...and I will answer you...

i do realize that it gets boring to listen to me brag about how amazing my friends are, but i cant help it.  this is more of a reference tool for my horrible memory than anything.  and maybe, just maybe, the karma gods are readin'.

the other day, i opened our door to the sight of a delivery man with arms extended, ending in a vase of beautiful fall flowers.   i naturally assumed they were for jenna, but the card read my name.  the gesture was adorable (as always), and made me cry (as always) and i knew that it could only be from one person (as always).  she wont read this, but the flowers and her wishes recharged my faith in everything, in people.

a few days later, i woke up to an amazing email from a seriously inspirational person (you know who you are!), that touched me so much.  not only for the content of the email, but for the fact that she recognized how much i needed to hear her words.  they went like this:  Please dont get yourself down if things arent happening according to plan - thats PART of the plan.  Where you are is exactly where youre supposed to be, and will only lead you to where youre going. 

then there are things like my roomate (who ive known for, what, a few months?!) randomly getting me a pair of earrings she saw just cause she thought i would like them... family members going above and beyond... messages and letters...etc etc.

...so basically im in love with everyone.

other stuff that makes my grinchy heart burst:

im going to austin city limits all weekend (yet another gift from someone i hardly know), and am so excited to see some bands that ive really been wanting to see.  then one weekend where i plan to get stuff together and relax.  and THEN, my friends, THEN comes the fun.  i am seriously so anxious and jumping out of my skin to be back in new york.  i really hope that i can fit in visits with everyone while im there.  im just going to have to make it happen.  what i also have to make happen is to NOT get an apartment/job while im there.  no joke, im gonna have to hold myself back.  what can i say?  that city is in my bones...and its metastasized.

 

I hate 3am thoughts
my companion is indecision
a houseguest that won't leave
I am,
a stranger in a strange land.
Dorthy, in blue-
Ive studied the spectrum
but have never seen in true color.
there is not one semblance from what I had planned
its all awry
awol.
The problem with believing in your own hype
is that you'll sell yourself short.
they say to follow it,
But I'm so far from the yellow brick road.

me: how are you guys?!? whats going on???
tiffany: we're good...we've been watching the Olympic coverage all weekend, and DVR'ing it just in case...
me: yeah ive been watching it too!
tiffany: how many times have you cried so far??
me: ughh none?
tiffany: oh my god, we've been tearing up the whole time. Christy, maureen cried twice about FENCING!!!

Lolz.

at the bottom of a quicksand life

my heart strings working hard

an alternating dig and pull

but im just spinning wheels.

                    Maureen: "sea of bitterness"

me: hahhahahahahahhaah im sorry, but that is too goodalso, pls look at the quotes brad has on his facebook profile, they are too funny...ill cut/paste:

I’m feeling guilty…my lack of updates is inexcusable.  Oh, who am I kidding, this is viewed less than a padlocked diary.  Here are some notable (Im using that term loosely), random thoughts as of late:

 

My days have consisted of playing the self-invented “coffee shop tour of Austin.”  This means determining which place has the best wifi connection, best iced lattes, and of course, best people watching.  There is no winner so far, but I have come to the conclusion that doing nothing anywhere you want is only slightly better than doing nothing in a cube all day.  If only I could go back to that amazing little café in Pittsburgh that has banana bread lattes.  I still dream of those.  Trust me, they sound gross (I don’t even like banana), but they’re hhaaamazing.  Wow.  This is what spending too much time alone does to a person.

 

Anyway, at a chain café now (not my first choice, but convenient), and watching quite a sad scene.  Lots of bored divorcees meeting up for lunch.  Depressing.  Although something wonderful has come of it.  I heard a woman cackle EXACTLY like a witch.  I’m talking Wicked Witch of the West style.  Now, if you know me, you know that I will stop dead in my tracks just to creepily listen to people laugh.  This cackle literally made me aboutface. 

 

Numero, mmm, dos (?)…I’ve been trying to get used to the whole driving thing.  Mind you, I have not had to drive (aside from the occasional Christmas time run to the drug store, etc etc) in 7 years.  It’s not exactly like riding a bike.  Especially when you are on roads where the names magically change, lanes disappear into thin air, and the only other vehicles you see are SUV’s and monster trucks.  Ok, its not THAT bad, but I’m definitely still getting used to the road system, and the fact that I can’t just go out, have fun, and jump on the N express…well, this just means that I’m gonna have to find a boy (sucker) that lives downtown.

 

Numero tres (methinks)…I’ve decided that everyone needs a little more sunshine in their lives.  I know its difficult for me to do, but im not metaphorically speaking here.  Its amazing what some good hard natural sunlight will do for a person.  That is not to say that I haven’t been bathing myself in SPF 45, but there is a noticeable difference in my mood, appearance, everythang.  (Take the hint, northies: move south!)

 

Numero quarto.  Christian Bale.  Ohhhhh, Christian Bale.  Your sister!??  Your mother??!!  But who am I to judge…we’ll leave that to the one with the gavel.  You are still the apple of my eye.

 

I have a lot more to write, but have been sidetracked by a very interesting people watching moment.  Installment two, still to come...

reading only up through chapter 3 in A Farewell to Arms has made me need this.  the problem is that thoughts seem to come when I am moving, resting only when I do.  walking through suburbia makes me vaguely depressed- knowing that the people behind those doors have never seen outside of their ½ acre plot- spending hours alone, carefully lining their flowerbeds.  my mind zigzags through its twist and crevices, dragging memories along from a time when life was…not necessarily simple… but slower.  when we were able to use the excuse of wanting to wait up to see our favorite video play, as a way to stay up all night long.  before I was sucked into the great commotion-hair blowing around me, clothes stretched and torn, but eyes open.  a life that is inherently the touchdown of a storm.  I cant say there isnt anything to love about it, but others disagree …the surfer i met- bouncing around behind him, his hair snaking down his back in thick blonde ropes, as we wound down the path less taken, through the portugese countryside, finally coming upon our destination- where the earth met the tide met the sky.  why had he wasted any time but there?  I hope to one day put a red X down there, keep a piece of that beauty for myself.  but that happens all too often, my heart races before me and builds roots…I want to lie under the trees, thick with spanish moss that falls so close to the ground it tickles my back.  in that place it is hard to imagine forever…I know that dreams would come, of me on the beach, a team running behind me, too soon to become nighmares of your face only.  I think of making a place for myself at the base of the Smokies, finding an old soul and making a home of it.  happy and poor…isnt that how the saying goes?  I know it to be true, ive seen it time and again.  or maybe west where the tide breaks hard against the rocks, where the young go to feel younger, where the sunset sleeps.  im starting slow, but im starting.

in Boston...natalie, tiffany, claire dancing:

"hey guys, let's do the water sprinkler" -tiffany
*natalie, tiff dancing..claire looking on from afar*
"wait,are we pretending we're blind?" -claire

im warning you that this post is going to be almost illegible, since im at work and can only half concentrate but...

saw a screening of sex and the city last night, and was pleasantly surprised.  its as if you are watching your friends on the big screen...weird.  especially strange that the majority of carrie's narrating parts are replaced by movie sounds and transition music.  but all in all, i enjoyed it...although i had tears in my eyes for about half of the movie. 

also met kristin davis, who was adorable and so sweet.  (ill post the pic up here, if it doesnt turn out too hideously).  she very nonchalantly introduced herself to me as "kristin," and was generally very graceful, and a lot like her character.  (we also creepily watched her reactions to her parts in the movie during the screening...)

also very similar to her "character":  bethanny from the real housewives of nyc.  she stuck her bony little hand right at me and introduced herself to everyone standing in my circle.  and the giftbags were the best ive seen in awhile.

ironic that just after watching a movie that makes you fall in love with the city all over again, i would do something that i never thought i would do.  the time has come. 

i just bought my one way ticket out of new york.

 

at brads graduation, with the following people:

tony blair
sir paul mccartney
the man who discovered black holes



whatever.

I have done absolutely nothing productive or interesting today besides watching Parenthood. (I forgot how much I love that movie!)

that aritificial heart feeling,
that base pumping in my chest
i dont want to breathe it out-

that music

my thoughts- at night, alone
a natural disaster of hope
that sings and whines and cries
and whirls from base to sides
climbs the walls and dives
and beaten out by dreams
only rests in sleep