Chdeck's Journals

innards out

there is no sink or swim with a skipping stone heart and a concrete block head

I have to tell myself...

The amount of time I spend thinking of you is disproportionate to your worth in my life. Fin.

I'm totally and completely obsessed..

with Ryan Bingham. Mescalito has become my white noise. Also, am I the only one having problems uploading pics on here?!

don't worry, the break in my lines is pausitive

I'm in love with this place. I'm sad to leave for xmas. I didn't think I'd ever feel that. I also have a crush...nothing is black and white- its all grey. I'm sorry I don't have more to write. Nothing has come to me. I'm sure you know how it is.

youre right...

there was a time when eveything was aligned. But its all cyclical, and I'm back to the beginning. For one- Ryan Bingham. Also: Being home Pretending to not notice needing a job loving/hating the uncertainty of the future dreaming about travel Is this what starting over really is?

don't think I haven't noticed...

give me a sign...and I will answer you...

Wishy wishes and kissy kisses

i do realize that it gets boring to listen to me brag about how amazing my friends are, but i cant help it. this is more of a reference tool for my horrible memory than anything. and maybe, just maybe, the karma gods are readin'.

the other day, i opened our door to the sight of a delivery man with arms extended, ending in a vase of beautiful fall flowers. i naturally assumed they were for jenna, but the card read my name. the gesture was adorable (as always), and made me cry (as always) and i knew that it could only be from one person (as always). she wont read this, but the flowers and her wishes recharged my faith in everything, in people.

a few days later, i woke up to an amazing email from a seriously inspirational person (you know who you are!), that touched me so much. not only for the content of the email, but for the fact that she recognized how much i needed to hear her words. they went like this: Please dont get yourself down if things arent happening according to plan - thats PART of the plan. Where you are is exactly where youre supposed to be, and will only lead you to where youre going.

then there are things like my roomate (who ive known for, what, a few months?!) randomly getting me a pair of earrings she saw just cause she thought i would like them... family members going above and beyond... messages and letters...etc etc.

...so basically im in love with everyone.

other stuff that makes my grinchy heart burst:

im going to austin city limits all weekend (yet another gift from someone i hardly know), and am so excited to see some bands that ive really been wanting to see. then one weekend where i plan to get stuff together and relax. and THEN, my friends, THEN comes the fun. i am seriously so anxious and jumping out of my skin to be back in new york. i really hope that i can fit in visits with everyone while im there. im just going to have to make it happen. what i also have to make happen is to NOT get an apartment/job while im there. no joke, im gonna have to hold myself back. what can i say? that city is in my bones...and its metastasized.

A nap in the poppies to clear my head...

I hate 3am thoughts
my companion is indecision
a houseguest that won't leave
I am,
a stranger in a strange land.
Dorthy, in blue-
Ive studied the spectrum
but have never seen in true color.
there is not one semblance from what I had planned
its all awry
awol.
The problem with believing in your own hype
is that you'll sell yourself short.
they say to follow it,
But I'm so far from the yellow brick road.

a saturday night call to boston:

me: how are you guys?!? whats going on??? tiffany: we're good...we've been watching the Olympic coverage all weekend, and DVR'ing it just in case... me: yeah ive been watching it too! tiffany: how many times have you cried so far?? me: ughh none? tiffany: oh my god, we've been tearing up the whole time. Christy, maureen cried twice about FENCING!!! Lolz.

im...

at the bottom of a quicksand life

my heart stringsÂ working hard

an alternating dig and pull

but im just spinning wheels.